When Life gets Shitty, Stare at a Corner

17 Apr

About a week ago, I let myself crumble. Once the feelings calmed, I tried to figure out what I did have control over. I looked around my room at all the clothes on the floor and dust collected in the corner. I laughed because being messy was nothing new. If other things are going wrong why do I have to live amongst clutter on top of all the other chaos? My first priority was creating a meditation corner or a blank wall/space to stare at that is not dirty. I began scrubbing the floors, walls, and taking down distractions. My mind drifted to the monks and their open spaces. They say environment is a projection of your mind. Was it true? Who knows? All I cared about was clearing the chatter in my mind.
   The first week, my job was to keep my chosen corner clean. In the beginning, I simply stared at the wall. It did bring me peace. Yet my mind was so full of agitation. How can I trick myself into focus? I looked around my room. Fire! Well… contained fire. I grabbed the candles around my room and lit them with meditation music playing softly in the background. The first night I took videos of the meditation, snap chatted, and texted my friends. Shame on me?  Nope. It was where I was in that moment.
    This same pattern continued on for the next three nights. Each following day I was mindful of keeping my corner clean. Then little changes started to occur around my room. I liked how the corner made me feel and started to notice the disorder elsewhere. I washed my sheets, cleared under my bed, de-cluttered my desk, and became innovative in decorating. Each night I placed the candles, crystals, and rose petals in whatever arrangement felt best.
   Last night, I started feeling sorry for myself again. It was Easter and I missed my family. So I lit the candles once again and continued my ritual. This time writing down my stream of consciousness.
   Around 10pm, I became tired and made the choice to put my phone across the room. All other nights it was placed in the bed next to me causing me to wake feeling anxious and droopy eyed.
    This morning at 5am, I woke refreshed. I looked over at the cat curled next to me. The air was crisp and slightly chilly. I made the effort to not check my email or social media quite yet. Instead, I looked around my room and smiled. Got up and excitedly sent a message to someone I care about. Went to youtube and turned on more calming music, made breakfast, and coffee for my roommate. Sat up in bed and listened to a guided meditation.

So here I sit on my tablet, writing this entry to you all. I’m excited and regaining hope.

Have all the bad things gone away?
No.

Here is what I did gain.
I can brain storm more effectively. Thus coming up with new ideas on how to help my situation.

Those reading this who are going through a tough time… just start with a corner.

Try a corner and see where it leads.

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Get off Facebook when you’re Depressed

16 Apr

I deactivated my Facebook again. This was after posting a heavy update about my work injury and possibly leaving the state. I opened myself up to unsolicited advice but was it unsolicited? What is my ulterior motive when I dump my emotions to an audience of readers? I wish I could say it’s selfless and to help others through a hard time. That would have been a lie. I wanted attention. To be comforted. Don’t most people want that? Here’s the difference, I had an expectation of what others reactions should be. Then I got upset when it didn’t fall within my vision.

Does getting off of social media solve this issue of mine to control? No, it does not. It does however, block out my tendency to compare with others. It helps reconnect me to the people I really want in my life. Not many post things blindly, it speaks to them on some level. They find it funny, they are thinking of someone, they are angry, want praise, etc…

I have a theory, they say depression is less in other countries. A lot of health industries point their fingers to pesticides and additives. That has some merit, yes. However, I do not believe we are understanding the complete picture. Family is important in some countries. Team based thinking is common. With roles, comes freedom to the individual. They work as a team and each knows their place. How many times have you fought depression just from not knowing your purpose?

Back to Facebook:
We read updates about people’s lives. Limited to only so many words. The best of their lives and the worst.

In real life, we shriek when someone comes over unannounced. Shrink down when they ask us face to face how things are really going? Some get home, get on Facebook and post vaguely about the very thing that person was asking about. The loneliness deepens. We get mad when others comment and it doesn’t fit our perception of reality.

Do I believe getting off of Facebook is the answer to mental health?

No, but it eliminates a huge distraction and gives more time to work on what is wrong.

Is being surrounded by others the solution to your growth?

Not always. If those around you are negative and critical it will hold you back. We can’t control others, only our reactions. How much we share with them and the consistency of what we share.

I have never had an issue being alone. In fact, I isolate too much. That’s because I have been hurt. Being an empath, I feel the world and the ups and downs of it. So for me, reading the news feed of Facebook their emotions blend in with mine

I did my part and subtracted some tracks of the emotional rickety rollercoaster of Facebook.

Humans are Ugly

27 Mar

This is me being real. I’m exhausted of being fake. My whole life since I was a kid I’ve been told to not be sad, why am I angry, there are people out there worse than I am. I was born sensitive and with a hyper awareness of the pain of the world. Reacting to every little emotion became distracting. So I went the opposite direction and put on a plastic smile. Where has this left me? Medicated and numb. Every now and then my repression fails and I become angry, passive aggressive and push people away. Why am I sharing this? I’m tired of society being uncomfortable with bad days and emotions. Every day I fight myself to get out of bed. To do things. Some days I lose and I just lay there. That’s the first time I have admitted that. Not many people want to talk about the ugly parts of themselves. The inner thoughts that go dark places and try and sabotage their self worth. But, when people ask me what’s wrong, I smile and say I’m fine. My second voice is a cheerleader and a unwavering optimist. It’s the fighter in me. I’ve been fighting since the day I was born. It’s all I know how to do. I fight even harder for other people than myself. I know the hell of our own minds if we let it drag us to too dark of a place. When I see the same pain in others, I can’t help but step in.  But here I am, faking a smile because it’s not pleasant to be around someone negative. Screw it. I hope this makes some of you very uncomfortable. Because this is real and this is me being a human being. We are flawed and ugly. We just wrap ourselves in pretty bows and scents to misdirect others from seeing it. All the years of being two faced has left me anxious and depressed. When I do cry, I can’t get out of it for hours or days  because I’ve spent my other days trying to be tough. If God gave us all of these emotions then why are we so scared of the bad ones? I know I am. We are taught that bad thoughts are evil and we must always think positive. But, where do the other thoughts go? They don’t go away. They are just lurking in the shadows, waiting for night to come. So here’s why I’m writing this. I’m taking off the mask and it’s not always pretty. I don’t have it all together and if you’re on here comparing yourself to others. Stop it. Because you never know about what others are going through. Los Angeles has tested me in ways I never thought. It truly has been an example of your problems will find you. I hope I can inspire others to talk about their struggles and ups/downs. I choose to fight and survive but I refuse to feel shame for being a human. 

Visions of the Future

16 Mar

Why is that I hold such visions of the future but there are days where I subconsciously destroy the steps to get there? Let’s stop lying to ourselves and say that others are better off. Yes, some may have had a head start but if that’s combined with laziness, they won’t be successful. There is always a way but our minds limit us. So why are our dreams so hopeful and our days so dreadful? Is our safety net webbed with poison? Is it patterns that we know are not helpful but keep us alive? Is that why we shame people different than us? What is normal? Because, the more households you visit, the more your answers will vary. So what is the answer to life? To go with every instinct? To stop thinking so much and start doing more? Learning all there is to know? Maybe that makes us spin in circles.  Perhaps it’s about finding out what you’re good at and going in a straight line to get there. Goals should be broken down into day by day steps. I get caught up in the moments and want to explore. I know that life is a forward motion and it’s hard for me to miss out. I’m attracted to things I may not be good at or relationships that may be challenging. I guess my biggest fear is predictably. Yet, as I grow older I want stability. I want to chase dreams and have a partner to share life with and friends by my side. I adore differences and changes but I crave safety. I feel like a fairy looking for a home. I want a permanence   but with an escape. I’ll starve in shackles. So how do we fit into the world where geographically viewpoints differ greatly? What might be viewed as insane in one culture is the norm in another? I think our souls die more and more with comparison and it’s about finding like minded individuals. Who see you and don’t compare. They know you are you and can not and will not compete for approval of others. We have moments in birth where we are alone and in death. I think as I grow older I learn that you must be happy with your path first. Your mind is the first voice you have to listen to and the last thing.

Set yourself on Fire

15 Mar

Spark
Spark
I will set you on fire
And stare at you until it turns blue
Then throw water on you
You think you’re in hell now
Keep walking on coals
And when your feet turn black
The crowd will disappear
The flame will extinguish
And you will be left
Raw and reddened
That’s what you get for walking across
The forbidden
Crowd around you enjoyed the show
But left when you started to burn
They couldn’t bear the decaying flesh
The thoughts were exciting
The image was terrifying
People panicked
And lost control
Eyes covered
And backs turned
They couldn’t face the truth
Of flesh in flames
That when we burn
We probably all smell the same
They believed they were better than everyone there
Only to realize
We are all the same
They couldn’t handle the sudden game change
So they went back to their lives
Of self medication
Burying the fears of the fragility of their lives
That it can be gone, if temperatures rise
Perhaps it’s the illusion and moments in between
That keep us from burning up from the feet

Over Thinking and Second Guessing 

14 Feb

I’m a little high on cold medicine and these thoughts popped up in my head, so I decided to share them. My mind is having an active day, probably due to lack of sleep. This helped silence it. 

If overthinking was a job then I would be CEO of it. While it’s important to self reflect on why we do things, sometimes we just do shit without thinking. Reconsidering my inner voice of an authoritarian parent to a loving partner. My mind is calm some days and other times it races and I can’t complete one thought. I think too deeply about life and it’s purpose. I admire those who just do and don’t think about it. Then I see the downfall of the absence of self-reflection. There is no forward movement in their lives. They bide their time by the rules of societies assembly line. The hardest thing to do is find balance. I think a lot of life is about obsession and regression. Then we progress and strengthen through our mistakes. But, what happens when we don’t? That’s when the overthinking kicks in. 

“What’s wrong with me? I keep doing this shit.” 

Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with us. Maybe some hate routine and crave chaos. We like doing it. What If we just let ourselves move through it and see what happens? I don’t know about you, but I judge myself so harshly when I mess up. I have a lot of different friends and as I get to know them I realize that their lives are not all together. Is it ever really? Or do we just learn to laugh and love ourselves more?  What is normal really? Depending on where you live you will get different answers. I guess it boils down to our own truth. Without fear of rejection from others, what do we want? People are flighty and selfish. They have their own hidden motivations. Our normal is more important than their acceptance. 
I wrote this as a reminder to myself. To walk the path and not judge myself each time I trip. I will not stand there and beat myself up about the obstacle but step over it and keep walking. I will look around and invite people along my path and let them go if they want to leave when the road splits. 

Dirty Air Filter

28 Jan

You’re about as clean as an ancient air filter 

Meant to pure but you’re covered in dust 

Infecting others around you 

You used to be blank 

Called to be the protector 

Now you can’t see past the stains

You make others sick 

Their sinuses twitch

Purity smothered 

In ashes 

Used and tossed when faded

Replaced for a transparent face 

Only to be tossed 

When all your beauty is lost