Over Thinking and Second Guessing 

14 Feb

I’m a little high on cold medicine and these thoughts popped up in my head, so I decided to share them. My mind is having an active day, probably due to lack of sleep. This helped silence it. 

If overthinking was a job then I would be CEO of it. While it’s important to self reflect on why we do things, sometimes we just do shit without thinking. Reconsidering my inner voice of an authoritarian parent to a loving partner. My mind is calm some days and other times it races and I can’t complete one thought. I think too deeply about life and it’s purpose. I admire those who just do and don’t think about it. Then I see the downfall of the absence of self-reflection. There is no forward movement in their lives. They bide their time by the rules of societies assembly line. The hardest thing to do is find balance. I think a lot of life is about obsession and regression. Then we progress and strengthen through our mistakes. But, what happens when we don’t? That’s when the overthinking kicks in. 

“What’s wrong with me? I keep doing this shit.” 

Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with us. Maybe some hate routine and crave chaos. We like doing it. What If we just let ourselves move through it and see what happens? I don’t know about you, but I judge myself so harshly when I mess up. I have a lot of different friends and as I get to know them I realize that their lives are not all together. Is it ever really? Or do we just learn to laugh and love ourselves more?  What is normal really? Depending on where you live you will get different answers. I guess it boils down to our own truth. Without fear of rejection from others, what do we want? People are flighty and selfish. They have their own hidden motivations. Our normal is more important than their acceptance. 
I wrote this as a reminder to myself. To walk the path and not judge myself each time I trip. I will not stand there and beat myself up about the obstacle but step over it and keep walking. I will look around and invite people along my path and let them go if they want to leave when the road splits. 

Dirty Air Filter

28 Jan

You’re about as clean as an ancient air filter 

Meant to pure but you’re covered in dust 

Infecting others around you 

You used to be blank 

Called to be the protector 

Now you can’t see past the stains

You make others sick 

Their sinuses twitch

Purity smothered 

In ashes 

Used and tossed when faded

Replaced for a transparent face 

Only to be tossed 

When all your beauty is lost

Incurable Disease

14 Jun

A society that loves to shame. 
They always look for a slut to blame. 

Taking away our power. 

How do you spin grief as strength to heal others? 

Women. 

We are not alone.

Our femininity has not been dethroned.

Intimacy grows.

Fucking then slows. 

Making love for the first time. 

Before, so disconnected. 

We must heal our wounds.

Wrap them tightly.

In a world so high strung.

Our reloading already begun. 

Buffer back women. 

Leave your wounds unsalted

And wrap them tightly 

And remember

To cry when you need to 

Scream when it hurts 

And to always love your body 

We can bear children 

Or not bear children

Our choice 

We can sleep around 

Or wait till marriage

Our bodies 

Our choice 

And these wounds along the way 

They heal 

And if they don’t

They are a part of us now

Part of our story 

And that makes you

You  
 

The Spinning Hourglass

6 Jun

I feel like I’m spinning on a slanted table.

 Watching the hourglass

 Drip 

Sand 

Into piles and piles. 

Drip. Drip. 

So close to the edge.

 An old creaky floor. 

With a crooked table placed upon it. 

Here I am on top. 

I’m spinning like a spotless dancer. 

Dizzy and untrained. 

Controlled by gravity and kept busy by time. 

The clock chimes.

 The door slams. 

Spin. 

Spin. 

Is anyone there?

 Will someone spot me?

 Spin.

 Spin. 

Please pick me up. 

Im not trained and it’s my job to spin all day.

 I’m dizzy. 

No one told me how to do this. 

Is this my life? 

Because, I don’t know how to do it without feeling all over the place. 

Sometimes it feels like I’m spinning out of control. 

The floor creaks and I get scared. 

The clock chimes and I wonder how much time I have left.

 It keeps ticking and I keep hoping to finally go straight. 

To not be so dependent on this table.

 I count the dents on it.

 Spin. 

Spin. 

It’s stained and dusty. 

Spin. 

Spin. 

The floor creaks. 

I topple. 

I slide to the edge. 

Bam! 

On the floor, I fall. 

Spin. 

Spin. 

Damn!

It’s the only thing I know how to do. 

We Drink Our Own Poison 

6 Jun

I wish to amputate these toxic chains and ruby lights. Reset. Tug. Tug. Tug. Rid of it. It’s another defect. 

The worst type of poison is the one we keep giving to ourselves. We see patterns and try to get out of them but keep repeating the same mistakes. How many times till we change? Or is this what humans are? One “oh shit” moment after another until we die? Cycles of beauty. Cycles of ignorance. Lust. Pain. Love. Hatred. To remain sane we try and justify and use logic. Our mind becomes our protector as our heart goes back into hibernation. How can we connect on a core level when so many of us aren’t whole individuals anymore? We are all so broken, looking for someone who won’t judge us for our baggage. To tell us it’s okay and they will love us any way.

 But, we get scared when people show too much interest in us. Because we are so broken. So we hide. We throw ourselves into our careers and  material things because they won’t leave in the middle of the night because the feeling wasn’t right. We think that these things will make us happy, but instead we feel empty on the inside. We get addicted to the highs of the material life. Then we get bored. Because, we are humans and humans need connection. So we search.  Looking for that perfect mate to fulfill a void that’s so deep because we never fixed the problem ourselves. Leaving them with an impossible task. 

Then we wake up one day and wonder why we are not happy. It’s because we never fixed what was wrong in the first place. We searched for one external savior for another. Looking for solutions in sex, awards, clothes, cars, and boob jobs. When we get into a relationship, half the time it’s because they fit our checklist. Our vision board brought us our perfect mate. Years go by and we are trying to jam two puzzle pieces that just don’t fit. Leaving us bent out of shape. The players are interchangeable but the outcome is predictable. Back to square one. Unhappy. Spend money. Go fuck someone new. Cut your hair. Quit your job. Meanwhile our soul is dying. We just need love. Love from family. Love from animals. Love from children. We must break free from the toxicity of ourselves and the chaos we create. We create it and then try and play victim to it. Over and over again. Now we have trust issues and every little mistake that someone makes feeds into our issues. Even if 90 percent of the time everything else is fine. We need to live in gratitude and our faith must be strong. Whatever faith that is. It’s our moral compass for our happiness. We must fight as a society for our mental health. When we die, we can’t take anything with us. What this earth is left with is the impact we made on people. How we made them feel. Our memories we created for them to tell stories. To laugh and learn from. I refuse to be stone cold. Because I have too much to give the world. I choose to walk in the light and to heal people. 

What I’ve Learned in my 20’s.  

26 May

As I near my 28th birthday, I wanted to make a list of all the things I’ve learned about myself so far. It can be hard as we get older and think of all the things we haven’t accomplished yet. Or notice our body and face looking older. Especially when modern society isn’t so kind to women as they get older. But, we are all so much more than our bodies and external beauty. I have learned so much about myself and have become such a stronger person. I’m so thankful for the gift of time and the hard lessons they have brought me.

 I hope you all enjoy reading my list. 

1. It’s hard for me to trust, but once I connect with someone I fight like hell to protect and support them. 

2. In high stress situations I turn inward and get very analytical. 

3. I need to be outdoors. It’s how I ground myself and re-connect to things that matter. 

4. That I don’t have perfect skin. And I struggle with picking at it because of my anxiety. This does not make me ugly. It makes me a human being with struggles. 

5. That what I put into my body effects my mood. 

6. I don’t like to wear makeup all the time  or do my hair very often. 

7. To embrace my weirdness and reject anyone in my life who judges me for it. 

8. To let go and sing again. 

9. That anger is just repressed sadness. 

10. That sometimes you have to let go of people who weren’t meant for you and wish them the best. 

11. I’ve learned how to say no and stand up for myself without being scared of the outcome. 

12. I want to know as much about the world and cultures as I can. 

13. That art and creating are how I get my emotions out. 

14. Being intimate with someone means having confrontations sometimes. It makes you stronger. 

15. Having attention deficit disorder and anxiety means that sometimes I get overwhelmed and that’s okay. Support systems are important.  

14. That it’s okay to cry and have a bad day. 

15. That I have to speak up, if I really want something. No isn’t such a scary word after all. 

16. Learned how to establish deeper friendships. 

17. That relationships don’t last just on love alone. They are a choice and hardwork. 

18. I am not the smartest person in the room, everyone has something to teach me. 

19. Yes, I am naturally talented and gifted but I have to keep developing my craft to become successful. 

20. I have to work hard for things, they aren’t just handed to me. 

21. Yes, I’m good at reading people but I should not jump to conclusions because I don’t know why they are feeling that way. 

22. It’s always better to stay in my lane, and focus on my problems. Rather than everyone else’s. 

23. To set small goals everyday to accomplish bigger ones. 

24. Family is a beautiful thing and sometimes friends become your family. 

25. I do want a partner in life. To travel with, create, and support each other. 

26. I need to stop being so impulsive when things get hard and avoiding problems. 
Let’s see what the last two years of my twenties will bring. 

I would love to read other people’s lists. Especially those at different stages of their lives.

Love,

Ashley 

Swim in the Ocean 

25 May

Aqua seas 

Swim swim 

The clouds above 

Scattered and tattered 

The tide

It turns 

Swim swim

Where do I begin 

The clouds above

Multiply 

The sky above

Opens

My lungs 

They’re awash 

I’m swimming 

My body,  a puppet

Mother Nature pulls at my strings 

I gasp and cough

Cradling my chest 

My arm spread wide 

And I begin to float

Further into the tide

And back again 

Inhale in

Exhale out 

My body blanketed 

And saturated 

I close my eyes

Inhale in 

Rays warm my face

Exhale out 

My body floats  

A smile across my face

The sea sings 

As I clamber onto sand

There I lay

My body locked

Like dead wood 

That belongs in the sea

I’ve been chosen

To swim another day

But there I lay 

Projecting the storm

Blind on land 

Introspectively, I Inhale 

Exhausted, I Exhale 

Aqua seas 

With intentions so masked 

In life things turn so fast 

In the end 

We must float and breath 

Two things are true 

We are born 

Then we die 

But love, float and smile 

While swimming at sea

Life surrounds us 

Do we float or drown 

Will it smother us 

Or cradle us?