This is me being real. I’m exhausted of being fake. My whole life since I was a kid I’ve been told to not be sad, why am I angry, there are people out there worse than I am. I was born sensitive and with a hyper awareness of the pain of the world. Reacting to every little emotion became distracting. So I went the opposite direction and put on a plastic smile. Where has this left me? Medicated and numb. Every now and then my repression fails and I become angry, passive aggressive and push people away. Why am I sharing this? I’m tired of society being uncomfortable with bad days and emotions. Every day I fight myself to get out of bed. To do things. Some days I lose and I just lay there. That’s the first time I have admitted that. Not many people want to talk about the ugly parts of themselves. The inner thoughts that go dark places and try and sabotage their self worth. But, when people ask me what’s wrong, I smile and say I’m fine. My second voice is a cheerleader and a unwavering optimist. It’s the fighter in me. I’ve been fighting since the day I was born. It’s all I know how to do. I fight even harder for other people than myself. I know the hell of our own minds if we let it drag us to too dark of a place. When I see the same pain in others, I can’t help but step in. But here I am, faking a smile because it’s not pleasant to be around someone negative. Screw it. I hope this makes some of you very uncomfortable. Because this is real and this is me being a human being. We are flawed and ugly. We just wrap ourselves in pretty bows and scents to misdirect others from seeing it. All the years of being two faced has left me anxious and depressed. When I do cry, I can’t get out of it for hours or days because I’ve spent my other days trying to be tough. If God gave us all of these emotions then why are we so scared of the bad ones? I know I am. We are taught that bad thoughts are evil and we must always think positive. But, where do the other thoughts go? They don’t go away. They are just lurking in the shadows, waiting for night to come. So here’s why I’m writing this. I’m taking off the mask and it’s not always pretty. I don’t have it all together and if you’re on here comparing yourself to others. Stop it. Because you never know about what others are going through. Los Angeles has tested me in ways I never thought. It truly has been an example of your problems will find you. I hope I can inspire others to talk about their struggles and ups/downs. I choose to fight and survive but I refuse to feel shame for being a human.
Why is that I hold such visions of the future but there are days where I subconsciously destroy the steps to get there? Let’s stop lying to ourselves and say that others are better off. Yes, some may have had a head start but if that’s combined with laziness, they won’t be successful. There is always a way but our minds limit us. So why are our dreams so hopeful and our days so dreadful? Is our safety net webbed with poison? Is it patterns that we know are not helpful but keep us alive? Is that why we shame people different than us? What is normal? Because, the more households you visit, the more your answers will vary. So what is the answer to life? To go with every instinct? To stop thinking so much and start doing more? Learning all there is to know? Maybe that makes us spin in circles. Perhaps it’s about finding out what you’re good at and going in a straight line to get there. Goals should be broken down into day by day steps. I get caught up in the moments and want to explore. I know that life is a forward motion and it’s hard for me to miss out. I’m attracted to things I may not be good at or relationships that may be challenging. I guess my biggest fear is predictably. Yet, as I grow older I want stability. I want to chase dreams and have a partner to share life with and friends by my side. I adore differences and changes but I crave safety. I feel like a fairy looking for a home. I want a permanence but with an escape. I’ll starve in shackles. So how do we fit into the world where geographically viewpoints differ greatly? What might be viewed as insane in one culture is the norm in another? I think our souls die more and more with comparison and it’s about finding like minded individuals. Who see you and don’t compare. They know you are you and can not and will not compete for approval of others. We have moments in birth where we are alone and in death. I think as I grow older I learn that you must be happy with your path first. Your mind is the first voice you have to listen to and the last thing.
I will set you on fire
And stare at you until it turns blue
Then throw water on you
You think you’re in hell now
Keep walking on coals
And when your feet turn black
The crowd will disappear
The flame will extinguish
And you will be left
Raw and reddened
That’s what you get for walking across
Crowd around you enjoyed the show
But left when you started to burn
They couldn’t bear the decaying flesh
The thoughts were exciting
The image was terrifying
And lost control
And backs turned
They couldn’t face the truth
Of flesh in flames
That when we burn
We probably all smell the same
They believed they were better than everyone there
Only to realize
We are all the same
They couldn’t handle the sudden game change
So they went back to their lives
Of self medication
Burying the fears of the fragility of their lives
That it can be gone, if temperatures rise
Perhaps it’s the illusion and moments in between
That keep us from burning up from the feet
I’m a little high on cold medicine and these thoughts popped up in my head, so I decided to share them. My mind is having an active day, probably due to lack of sleep. This helped silence it.
If overthinking was a job then I would be CEO of it. While it’s important to self reflect on why we do things, sometimes we just do shit without thinking. Reconsidering my inner voice of an authoritarian parent to a loving partner. My mind is calm some days and other times it races and I can’t complete one thought. I think too deeply about life and it’s purpose. I admire those who just do and don’t think about it. Then I see the downfall of the absence of self-reflection. There is no forward movement in their lives. They bide their time by the rules of societies assembly line. The hardest thing to do is find balance. I think a lot of life is about obsession and regression. Then we progress and strengthen through our mistakes. But, what happens when we don’t? That’s when the overthinking kicks in.
“What’s wrong with me? I keep doing this shit.”
Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with us. Maybe some hate routine and crave chaos. We like doing it. What If we just let ourselves move through it and see what happens? I don’t know about you, but I judge myself so harshly when I mess up. I have a lot of different friends and as I get to know them I realize that their lives are not all together. Is it ever really? Or do we just learn to laugh and love ourselves more? What is normal really? Depending on where you live you will get different answers. I guess it boils down to our own truth. Without fear of rejection from others, what do we want? People are flighty and selfish. They have their own hidden motivations. Our normal is more important than their acceptance.
I wrote this as a reminder to myself. To walk the path and not judge myself each time I trip. I will not stand there and beat myself up about the obstacle but step over it and keep walking. I will look around and invite people along my path and let them go if they want to leave when the road splits.
You’re about as clean as an ancient air filter
Meant to pure but you’re covered in dust
Infecting others around you
You used to be blank
Called to be the protector
Now you can’t see past the stains
You make others sick
Their sinuses twitch
Used and tossed when faded
Replaced for a transparent face
Only to be tossed
When all your beauty is lost
A society that loves to shame.
They always look for a slut to blame.
Taking away our power.
How do you spin grief as strength to heal others?
We are not alone.
Our femininity has not been dethroned.
Fucking then slows.
Making love for the first time.
Before, so disconnected.
We must heal our wounds.
Wrap them tightly.
In a world so high strung.
Our reloading already begun.
Buffer back women.
Leave your wounds unsalted
And wrap them tightly
To cry when you need to
Scream when it hurts
And to always love your body
We can bear children
Or not bear children
We can sleep around
Or wait till marriage
And these wounds along the way
And if they don’t
They are a part of us now
Part of our story
And that makes you
I feel like I’m spinning on a slanted table.
Watching the hourglass
Into piles and piles.
So close to the edge.
An old creaky floor.
With a crooked table placed upon it.
Here I am on top.
I’m spinning like a spotless dancer.
Dizzy and untrained.
Controlled by gravity and kept busy by time.
The clock chimes.
The door slams.
Is anyone there?
Will someone spot me?
Please pick me up.
Im not trained and it’s my job to spin all day.
No one told me how to do this.
Is this my life?
Because, I don’t know how to do it without feeling all over the place.
Sometimes it feels like I’m spinning out of control.
The floor creaks and I get scared.
The clock chimes and I wonder how much time I have left.
It keeps ticking and I keep hoping to finally go straight.
To not be so dependent on this table.
I count the dents on it.
It’s stained and dusty.
The floor creaks.
I slide to the edge.
On the floor, I fall.
It’s the only thing I know how to do.