What I’ve Learned in my 20’s.  

26 May

As I near my 28th birthday, I wanted to make a list of all the things I’ve learned about myself so far. It can be hard as we get older and think of all the things we haven’t accomplished yet. Or notice our body and face looking older. Especially when modern society isn’t so kind to women as they get older. But, we are all so much more than our bodies and external beauty. I have learned so much about myself and have become such a stronger person. I’m so thankful for the gift of time and the hard lessons they have brought me.

 I hope you all enjoy reading my list. 

1. It’s hard for me to trust, but once I connect with someone I fight like hell to protect and support them. 

2. In high stress situations I turn inward and get very analytical. 

3. I need to be outdoors. It’s how I ground myself and re-connect to things that matter. 

4. That I don’t have perfect skin. And I struggle with picking at it because of my anxiety. This does not make me ugly. It makes me a human being with struggles. 

5. That what I put into my body effects my mood. 

6. I don’t like to wear makeup all the time  or do my hair very often. 

7. To embrace my weirdness and reject anyone in my life who judges me for it. 

8. To let go and sing again. 

9. That anger is just repressed sadness. 

10. That sometimes you have to let go of people who weren’t meant for you and wish them the best. 

11. I’ve learned how to say no and stand up for myself without being scared of the outcome. 

12. I want to know as much about the world and cultures as I can. 

13. That art and creating are how I get my emotions out. 

14. Being intimate with someone means having confrontations sometimes. It makes you stronger. 

15. Having attention deficit disorder and anxiety means that sometimes I get overwhelmed and that’s okay. Support systems are important.  

14. That it’s okay to cry and have a bad day. 

15. That I have to speak up, if I really want something. No isn’t such a scary word after all. 

16. Learned how to establish deeper friendships. 

17. That relationships don’t last just on love alone. They are a choice and hardwork. 

18. I am not the smartest person in the room, everyone has something to teach me. 

19. Yes, I am naturally talented and gifted but I have to keep developing my craft to become successful. 

20. I have to work hard for things, they aren’t just handed to me. 

21. Yes, I’m good at reading people but I should not jump to conclusions because I don’t know why they are feeling that way. 

22. It’s always better to stay in my lane, and focus on my problems. Rather than everyone else’s. 

23. To set small goals everyday to accomplish bigger ones. 

24. Family is a beautiful thing and sometimes friends become your family. 

25. I do want a partner in life. To travel with, create, and support each other. 

26. I need to stop being so impulsive when things get hard and avoiding problems. 
Let’s see what the last two years of my twenties will bring. 

I would love to read other people’s lists. Especially those at different stages of their lives.

Love,

Ashley 

Swim in the Ocean 

25 May

Aqua seas 

Swim swim 

The clouds above 

Scattered and tattered 

The tide

It turns 

Swim swim

Where do I begin 

The clouds above

Multiply 

The sky above

Opens

My lungs 

They’re awash 

I’m swimming 

My body,  a puppet

Mother Nature pulls at my strings 

I gasp and cough

Cradling my chest 

My arm spread wide 

And I begin to float

Further into the tide

And back again 

Inhale in

Exhale out 

My body blanketed 

And saturated 

I close my eyes

Inhale in 

Rays warm my face

Exhale out 

My body floats  

A smile across my face

The sea sings 

As I clamber onto sand

There I lay

My body locked

Like dead wood 

That belongs in the sea

I’ve been chosen

To swim another day

But there I lay 

Projecting the storm

Blind on land 

Introspectively, I Inhale 

Exhausted, I Exhale 

Aqua seas 

With intentions so masked 

In life things turn so fast 

In the end 

We must float and breath 

Two things are true 

We are born 

Then we die 

But love, float and smile 

While swimming at sea

Life surrounds us 

Do we float or drown 

Will it smother us 

Or cradle us? 

My Missing Half

22 May
  • I’m not writing tonight in rhymes or riddles. I do not want this entry have any abstractions. They have been my defenses in the past when my emotions get too deep and the thoughts too dark. Well, the past couple of days my mind keeps reaching into the shadows. Nothing can replace the broken heart of the loss of a sibling. Especially when they’re still alive, but you don’t know where they are. All my life my parents have pinned me down as the good child and my brother the evil one. A formula perfect for a resentful brother. Yet we had our own special language and could communicate when our parents simply wouldn’t listen. We understood each other. I adored my brother. He was always smarter and funnier than me. I had to try and keep up. Our parents wanted him to fit a mold. But, he was much more special than that. He was intelligent and super artistic. The best artist I’ve ever seen. Yet he got in fights, took drugs, and lashed out at us. The doctors weren’t able to diagnose him. Some suggested Bi-polar others Borderline.  But, that’s who he was. My parents split and my brother went to live with my dad. I didn’t see him for a few years. He felt like a stranger. My sibling language was fading. I had no idea how to talk to my brother anymore. His anger grew and my avoidance of real emotions too. Our mom and dad tried to make me the peacemaker and talk to my brother. This shifted me into being a condescending sibling to my older brother. The role of a parent at a young age. Moving forward a couple of years, he joined the military and then got out. His erratic tendencies continued and violent outbursts. Now we’re older and he has cut off his family. But, I refuse to be put in the middle anymore. I just want my brother back, the one I used to play Legos and jump on the trampoline with in the backyard. That is where clinging to the past causes sadness. Things and people constantly change. I am writing this to announce that I am releasing past thoughts of how I think he should be and to love him as he is now. I just wish I knew how to really talk to him, past all his bitterness. My Dad called me to tell him all the reason behind his mental illness was due to his constant Strep as a child. To tell him to get on antibiotics and it would help him. I’m done telling my brother all the ways that he acts is wrong. When I know nothing of who he is now. How is someone supposed to listen too when they don’t think anything is wrong with them? Why is it fair to expect me to always deliver the bad news? I don’t know if anyone else has the same struggles with a family member that has cut them off. That’s unfortunately the language our blood line speaks fluently. 

Two Lotuses in the Mud

2 May

My intuition screams this morning 

I’m caught in the moment 

In deep denial 

What I need vs what I want

My impulses 

They sing 

I want to breath you in 

Instead I exhale 

And look into your eyes 

They travel 

into this world

And out

Caught between your dreams 

And your mind 

We are trapped 

by this expectation 

Primal 

You make me primal 

I want you for days and days 

To please you in so many ways

I can feel you 

You are 

the tinder in the snow

You are

The river in the drought 

I know 

I’m empty

Who are we kidding 

We are

Two hourglasses 

Dancing in the flames

My love

We are
Two lotus flowers

And

Beneath us

We are thick as mud 

And the river 

It always flows

The House of Acid Washed Jeans 

28 Apr

Passages protected and exits lit.

Thump. Thump.

Patiently,  you sit. 

It’s gated

I say

But, not barricaded

Can you 

Ignite the decayed 

What shall you do

Calm yourself

Thump. Thump.

I said

Passable are gates  

Barricades

They halt

Walls stained

Like acid washed jeans

This house 

It hurls and it heaves 

Thump. Thump. 

It sings

Two beings  

Encapsulated by material things 

Exposed and free

Our Demons Inside

7 Apr

We dance in the light 

And sulk in the dark

Our demons we hide 

Looking for our twin flame 

But hiding our shame 

Afraid to be vulnerable 

So we battle with words

To hide our demons inside

Little by little 

We expose 

Our own hell 

To find someone to dance in the dark

And make love in the light 

Rest in Peace, Sweet Soul 

29 Mar

I know that we will all die just as we have lived. That nothing in our lives is permanent. What I can’t understand is when people are taken too soon from this earth. I’m grieving tonight after reading
my high school friend’s sister passed away. I am posting this on my blog because this is their sadness. It’s not about me but I grieve in memory of her beautiful spirit. I hope it finds a new and suitable place to prosper and flourish. 

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